I. Drink, Drink, Drink, ‘Til You Vomit in the Sink
Ok, no BSing around. This is a game of the drinkers, by the drin-
kers, for the drinkers, and it shall not perish from the earth. GUZZLE
is, to put it bluntly, a game directed towards that demographic slice
that gets its kicks by swilling booze until they are in a catatonic and
not at all healthy state. In other words, college students and perpetual
undergrads ages six to sixty. All of us, I mean. Enjoy!
II. How Does It…Um…How Does It Work?
Arite, here’s all you gotta do. First, make sure that you make a dir-
ectory for this game and put GUZZLE.EXE, GUZZLE.DAT, and the 10 TRIV?.ROT
files in it. Then, while that is the default directory, type
guzzle
and yer sitting pretty in Schaefer City. You will be presented by a
screen that axes you for the names of the players. You may have up to a
total of four players or teams. Then off you go to the game screen.
At the game screen, each player (or team; we’ll just say “player” from
now on) rolls in order to move their piece. It is recommended that one
player, perhaps the computer owner, handle all the mousing chores to pre-
vent angst. You may land on either:
A DRINK square (e.g. “2 DRINKS”), in which case you must take the spe-
cified number of drinks.
A GIVE square (e.g. “GIVE 3”), in which case you must pick a victim,
and make THEM take the specified number of drinks.
DETOX MANSION or GOTO DETOX MANSION, in which case yer buggered, not
being allowed to drink until you escape DETOX MANSION by rolling a 3 or a
6.
GUZZLE, in which case all players not in DETOX MANSION must take one
drink.
ROLL AGAIN, in which case, unbelievably enough, you roll again.
GO, in which case nothing happens and you move on to the next player.
?, in which case the player must answer a trivia question. If you get
it right, you get to give a victim one drink. But if you blow it, you
have to take one drink. Get it? All questions are multiple guess, and
you pick yer answer with the mouse.
Thus, the element of luck is quite important, but SO IT THE ELEMENT OF
THE MANLY/WOMANLY ART OF TRIVIAL RECALL. If yer an expert on Star Trek,
bad 70s disco songs, and the films of Stanley Kubrick, then you got a
chance. But if yer a hopeless sped who spends all day with yer nose in
The Wall Street Journal, or in an anatomy text, then yer reamed. Real
hard.
How do you win? Well, if by the time some player gets disgusted and
chooses EXIT, you’re still awake and in control of your extremities, then
congratulations: yer a winner. But if you wake up the next day with puke
all over yer pants and spend the afternoon asking people, “Hey, what ass-
hole threw up all over me?”, well, then, yer a loser. At the end of the
game a score sheet comes up with each player’s total drinks noted. So it
is kinda like golf: the lowest score wins. Of course, as is the case in
all drinking games, the losers have all the fun.
Now, about this “drink” business. It is contraindicated to actually
take a full “drink” (i.e. can-o-beer or shot-o-vodki) every time you are
ordered to do so. This would rapidly result in gastric/pulmonary/cranial
distress in all but the stoutest contestants. No, ’tis nobler in the
mind to assign the value of “1 drink” to a healthy swig on a beer, or a
manly sip at a mixed drink, or a reasonable but not excessive gurgle at
a bottle of the hard stuff. Pace yerselves or you’ll get harshed multo
rapido, taking all the fun out of it.
Another thing that really makes Guzzle enjoyable for me is how it manages to stay interesting even after playing it multiple times. Many games feel repetitive after a while, but here, the experience still feels fresh because of the small details and different ways you can approach the gameplay. As you continue playing, you naturally start improving and understanding the mechanics better, which makes everything feel more rewarding. I also appreciate the balance the game maintains—it’s not too difficult, but it’s not too easy either. You can play it casually for a short break or spend longer sessions without getting bored. That flexibility is one of the biggest reasons why I keep coming back to Guzzle. Overall, it’s the kind of game that doesn’t just entertain you for a moment, but actually gives you a consistently enjoyable experience every time you play.
